I Once Got Aroused By A Roadside Mannequin

by Tejas Nair

Welcome to Mumbai which has been giving its fellow inhabitants daily updates of gonzo stories. And this time around, we have a truly bizarre case. Ban the mannequins! They make our men “do that!”

“These mannequins are encouraging men to “do that,” women aren’t safe,” states a Mumbai corporator defending her request to ban scantily-clad mannequins on roadside shoppes. Too bad, I cannot imagine how will I ever find another source to get sexually aroused so that I can grope a couple of strangers while being diagnosed with psychosis? Because that sexy mannequin sporting tights outside a showroom of a global clothing line (with its English title inscribed in Devanagari) excited the living daylights out of me. You can connect to Sacha Baron Cohen‘s role as Borat when he travels cross-country.

But before I, as a singleton, boast about my illogical escapade, we should put some light into what “do that” means. It all started in Toronto, where the Slut Walk started caused by a policeman’s wrongly phrased intentions/words. It even found its way to India (Delhi), but the momentum was low. So, by “do that” they mean the four letter word which also means a plant of the cabbage family with bright yellow flowers, especially a variety grown for its oil-rich seed and as stock-feed. Although, I still haven’t found the actual reason what makes men to do that, I choose to believe it has something to do with how people in the world are spiralling into paranoia and shooting people (The Aurora theatre incident, Norway massacre, etc), mainly due to loneliness or lack of companionship. But the urge inside those pants are way beyond my understanding. Is it because, they can’t get a girlfriend? Simply, why can’ these horny men just follow our Karnataka politicians? They adopt masturbation fueled by porn, even during council meetings. Perhaps they fear, our government will ban porn forever. Oh, no! But, I can write it with my hand (which is, you should know, a rare thing these days) that scantily clad mannequin (flashing lingerie) is NOT at all a cause which inspires men to “do that.” It doesn’t make an iota of sense for this corporator to ask for the ban of innocent mannequins. It actually obstructs the basic idea. People don’t actually have time to look at the dress a mannequin is wearing, let alone analyse its sexual quotient. There can be many other references that could be made on a reverse attack, but I am afraid, Internet doesn’t allow me to, or this may replay that Palghar-Facebook incident. Anyone remembers that sex-robot, Roxxxy that was introduced a couple of years ago?

While the facts are elusive, we can only ask a perpetrator to answer what made him open his fly for an unconsenting and serious crime. History has shown us that these perpetrators are also not uneducated to not understand what they are doing or have done. Answers maybe be cryptic, but I am sure we have people who can decrypt that. Twiterratis over the internet decoding our dear PM’s speechless expressions give me faith. To conclude, banning mannequins is not even the last thing we can do to fight for women’s rights thusly to affirm their safety. If you cannot come up with an idea, shut up! I seriously have double thoughts of the people behind the request (the media says a former mayor is involved too), how minutely they have cooked up this topic. Brilliant.

So, the mannequin we have in question here, did really arouse me. It wasn’t the busty female version with cut hands & head, but the male one. And to be more specific, it was not its bod that aroused me, but the clothes it had worn; a white shirt with small red borders and disastrous denim. I entered the showroom and bought the former for a couple of thousands (I am not bragging; clothes are very costly these days). And now, after reading articles about how there is an immensely daft request to ban the poor fibrous models, I fear some stranger may get aroused by the same clothes which had once aroused me and request to ban me. And literally, a ban on human beings. That’s something new. Wry, huh?

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